Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Caillou is going down

Caillou has become an institution in my sons TV library. I'm not sure how or when it started- possibly during the early years of complete parental ignorance and confusion, and having 2 children within 17 months might have contributed to it as well. There must have been a time where relative peace and quiet trumped quality of parenting. I hope my lovely wife and I were just too exhausted to pay enough attention to what we put on the TV for him.

Regardless, Caillou has infiltrated our household like methamphetamines has to Applachia.

Bottom line- I hate that little @#$% Caillou. 

First let me start with the name. There have been 108 episodes featuring that whiny flesh toned Jack in the Box. I guarantee there is not a child on the planet named after that kid. I think we parents have all learned from the iconic Johnny Cash song 'Sue' to not give our children ridiculous names (unless you're a celebrity, of course). And lets face it- 'Caillou' is impossible to spell. In fact, I had to look it up on the 'ol internetz for this post. And every time I mention the name again I have to look up and see how I spelled it the last time. (Close your eyes right now and try it- betcha' can't do it).

His name seems more appropriate as a character in Dances with Wolves. Perhaps as Kevin Costner's reliable but mute side kick. (Kevin Costner: 'Caillou, get the fire ready!' Caillou: mmmmmmmm'.) Maybe there's a sequel in the works. Run with it, Orion Pictures, this one's on me.

Now lets get to the looks. I'm not one for pointing out shortcomings of children but not only is Caillou a blatant rip off of Charlie Brown, but in a more dumbed down way. My son draws portraits of Caillou every day- accidentally. If you can draw a vague rendering of a circle and manage to leave a dot or scratch inside of it- you have a pretty decent likeness of Caillou. 

And man...does that kid WHINE. This is something I don't need any more of it in my house, we're at full capacity for that behavior as it is. It seems the only person having a good time on the show is the grandmother, who also happens to be the narrator. (read: not really in Caillou's presence, she's apparently in the sound studio doing voice over, so why wouldn't she be happy?)

I have an alternate and more realistic title for this show. How about 'Birth Control'. This seem to get the point across more effectively. At the risk of putting MTVs show '16 and Pregnant' out of business, just have you sex- aged children watch a few hours of Caillou and we'll nip this teen pregnancy crisis in the bud. Thank me later President Obama.

For the first time in my life, I rued the day DVR was invented. Caillou can be watched ANY TIME. Whenever I'm forced to pick up the remote and scroll around to find Caillou (its either watch whining on TV or experience it real time with my son) I am pleasantly reminded things could be worse.

He hasn't yet found Spongebob Squarepants. Who also should have a starring role in that Wolf Dancing movie, I think.