Wednesday, April 11, 2012

'Eff the Easter Bunny.

It's been 3 days since the worst best day a toddler can have- Easter. I'm still recovering and don't expect to be able to carry on intelligent conversations until the wine cellar runs dry.

This Easter holiday took me by surprise. I didn't fully invest in the same amount of pre- holiday paranoia as I did before Christmas. I had so many nightmare expectations in December that thankfully never materialized. You see, at the time, I over thought every present I purchased (Is this Hello Kitty going to cause someone to lose an eye? Can Quinn swallow this 4' fire truck? Who's going to burn the tree down??...and so on and so on, ad nauseum).

Ultimately my stress level was raised to a comfortable enough point that Murphy's Law took it as a generous sacrifice and ironically afforded our family a magical time to share presents, eat great food and enjoy all around harmony. In other words- A Perfect Holiday.

The Easter bunny just delivers candy. How hard can this day be?

Well, with minimal presents and a ridiculous focus on sweets, it's fucking VERY hard. And lets face it- Saturday's sit-down to color eggs was a nice tradition to pass along to the kids but no toddler is going eat the shit out of 3 dozen colored hard boiled eggs when there are Jelly Belly's in the house. Protein- 0, high fructose corn syrup- 1.

What they will do is try to inhale their body weight in sugar over a 2 hour period like they've never see a Peep before. Wait- they hadn't and that was part of the problem. (I do occasionally have standards)

Parental instincts are an interesting thing. For example, any owner of a 3 year old knows something's fishy when their child goes silent for say, 8 seconds. There were several times on Sunday where I lost (mental) sight of Miller for several MINUTES.

The first time I could hear myself think I bolted upright from the couch to find the source of suspicious peace and quiet. I immediately saw a shut bathroom door and my lovely wife was in sight so I knew we were in trouble. This happened way after Easter baskets had been collected and stored on top of the fridge for a sugar moratorium.

I went to the bathroom and opened the door.

Miller was sitting on the floor leaning against the wall with the lights out. Shoving his sister's jelly beans in his mouth like a smack addict.

The funny thing about jelly beans is that they stick to the back of your teeth (I forgot this until I caught him) Another thing about jelly beans (when you're 3) is that they make you drool- upon turning the lights and seeing this depravity I focused on the purple hued spit string extending from his lower lip down to the puddle resting on his half prone belly.

'What are you doing Miller??' I asked.

'Noshing Daddy' he replied.

He looked pathetic enough at this point but now he had a jelly bean induced lisp. 30 or so of those suckers attached to your molars can have that effect, I guess. He now reminded me of a cat who had gotten a fur ball stuck in its throat and was trying to cough it up.

I 'gently' grabbed the remaining candy from his clutches and told him to go downstairs and get ready to go visit his grandparents. Round 2 was about to begin.

I had no idea what was in store for the rest of the day.

'Eff the Easter Bunny.


  1. This is TOO TRUE!! Easter slayed my husband and I this year--under-handedly, too, b/c we had no idea how hard it would be with 2 and with a toddler, so were not prepared for the post-holiday exhaustion that would ensue. Curses on Santa, the Easter Bunny, and any of their stress-inducing kin.

  2. I don't have any kids but I found you on Aiming low and I am now a devoted reader. You are HYSTERICAL.