Thursday, January 16, 2014

10 reasons why having children is like playing Monopoly with an asshole.

1.       Both endeavors start out fun- hell, making children is REALLY fun, and breaking out the ol’ Monopoly board always starts out with warm fuzzy intentions.

2.       You immediately begin to lose sleep and regret your decision to have children play Monopoly.

3.       If you stop paying attention for one second, everything goes sideways. Your cousin has been yelling ‘hotel, motel, holiday INNNN’ for so long you’ve mentally shut down and missed buying Marvin Gardens before the corner of dread that ends with Boardwalk and Park Place. (That your cousin of course owns)

4.       Getting to bed at a reasonable time is not an option with Monopoly or children, so you also miss the opportunity to look at yourself in the fucking mirror in the morning and go to work with a baby shit stain on your sleeve that is finally noticed by a co-worker at around 2 pm.

5.       There’s never enough beer and both endeavors leave you with a headache in the morning.

6.       Both activities teach you about not sharing. There’s always an argument over who gets to be the car and who has to be the shoe. When raising 2 children 17 months apart there’s an argument about, well…everything. And as the parent you always gets the shoe.

7.       You learn how to take an ass kicking. Before you know it, the rowdy cousin has bought every property but Baltic Ave- that 8$ rent is all yours baby- enjoy it.  No hotels for you. Do not pass go.

8.       With children, the ass kicking is not only financial but also emotional- you now read and cry with sympathy syndrome.

9.       All the money feels like play money. In one hand and out the other. At least the monopoly money has pretty colors.

10.   Regardless of the pain, you'd do it all over again and again.

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