Friday, January 6, 2012

The Cost of a Tree

I imagine all parents pass milestones that serve as reminders of how pricey the little beasties we put on this Earth can be.

For me it began with the amount of paper products I bought and immediately disposed of when Miller was an infant. I found myself at the store every 48 hours stocking up on enough diapers and wipes to last until he turned five. (I had no idea children shouldn't be wearing diapers at five- it was my rookie season). Without fail, two days later the diaper genie began to belch out the overflow of these now soiled and disgusting products. So off to the store I went, again and again.

I didn't really mind the errand aspect of the job as most dads will confirm, this ritual became a kind of mini-vacation, a few moments of peace- especially during those early months. It was nice to be out among the public, even though I looked like a hipster crazed homeless person. Matching socks?, mehhhh. No shower in 3 days? Thats what baseball hats are for. Off I went.

In minutes, I travelled to a distant foreign land. Modern society. A people of sensible outfits. Who had hair product and time on their hands. I however, was straight out of the pages of National Geographic.

The store lights were always the first shock. They were too bright for my cave dwelling vision. Second was the illumination these lights cast on my ridiculous attire- awesome for me.

I did see women without babies attached to their breasts, which was a welcome but foreign experience. Thankfully I had the support of a cart to lean on and stagger to my designated aisle- good ol' #6. (its a small store, thank whatever pagan god these folks thought my tribe belonged to).

In defense of the store, lighting is not designed to induce coma- like sleepy time so parents can grab a 20 minute nap. I get it. What I don't get, and would like to recommend to groceries across the world is this:

  1. Put the diaper, wipe, paper product, toilet paper, paper towel, etc, etc products in the LAST aisle CLOSEST to the exit. This will ensure minimal contact with regular customers and the likes of me and the Walking Dead.
  2. DIM the lights in this aisle- I understand that an heirloom tomato's chance of landing in my basket is enhanced if I see that perfectly reflected water drop from it's well positioned light source. A box of diapers doesn't warrant light- its like crack. I just need it.
  3. If followed, your business will be better for it- trust me...

When I'm done with diapers forever, I promise to buy a shit load of those Heirloom Tomatoes- in season. At full price...

Just keep 'em away from aisle 6.

1 comment:

  1. A trip to the store still has this effect on me.